If You Ever Need a Shoulder to Cry On, Don’t Use Mine or You’ll End Up in Hot Water

“Telling a woman that you will be unable to climax unless you are looking at her in a mirror is, in my experience, an excellent way to ensure the only place you will ever see her again is in depressing memories.”




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Swamp Biscuits and Tea


Fossil People

“We jumped and cheered like tarts on the last train out of society. We filled the gulf between intention and execution with childish energy. Jumping like one-second clips of youth, we created over two minutes of artificial innocence for the onlookers.
‘OK,’ he said. ‘That’s enough. You can stop now.’
‘Was it okay?’ I asked, gasping for air.
‘Almost perfect,’ the hotel owner declared. ‘I think I saw your balls pop out of your shorts at one point when you were jumping around. I’ll be watching my memories later to check.'”




Published by Spork



“Having had such fun playing cat and mouse with my penis, I was reluctant to release it into a dog-eat-dog world on its own, so I was always confident it would remain a best friend, always there between my legs whenever I needed it, to stroke, to hold, to squeeze.”




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Gone Lawn


The World’s First Literary Fade-Out Ending

“My daily trips to the window are a replacement for washing myself. By stepping in front of the purifying rays of light trickling in through the valve in the wall, I achieve the same feeling of refreshment that the average person gets from having water splashed on their face in the morning. The jets of cold light shock me into alertness and help to wash away the sweat from the previous night. It makes me feel better about the fact that I always wear the same clothes.”




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Blue Lake Review